Today once again I realized that my life is full of lies and ideals of what I wish it could be like. Someone a worked asked me if I had a boyfriend, which I don't and haven't had for about six years now. My answer: I don't for the moment, I had one about two years ago and we had been together for about 3 years ( a total lie of course). Why I did it?... Well because I don't want to feel like a loner (which I am). Even with this lie people a work and mostly everyone who knows me knows that I am a loner, extremely quiet.
The reasons for this? I could say that it has been the cultural shock of leaving behind a life in Mexico City with friends, boyfriend and the new sense of liberty at the age of 18. The new life in Sacramento California brought a dependence on my dad (living in his house, starting in a new school, having no friends). It was really hard and still is, for me to connect with people that came from Mexico at a very early age, or with people born here even thought they might speak the same language as I do. I don't seem to fit with the crowds of my age, they talk about mall, shopping, friends, boyfriends, going out, tv. I like to talk about those things but also like to know about the world around me, the conflicts in other nations, within our own country, state or city. Like the museums, parks, libraries, bookstores,movies. Of course there are people that like the same stuff I just mentioned, but most of the time they already have a crew of friends, a boyfriend, or even a family whom to share these interests with.
I like to think of myself as an optismistic, but I have contemplated suicide in my darkest moments of depression. I like to dream about traveling, but I have no real plans. I say that I am very independent, however I am still living with my dad at age 25. I wish to say so many things to different persons, but most of the time I just make conversations up on my head. When it comes time to talk I don't freeze, but I won't say everything I wish I had.
At the end of this blog I am sure I will go over the things that I should have said and shouldn't have said, but this is me.
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